Thursday, February 4, 2010
Healing Tears of Joy
As I take my seat on our living room couch of this 5th floor apartment, enjoying every bite of my early-morning snack.. I look across to the two framed photos on our television stand. Tears of joy run down my face as the Lord's faithfulness and love is shown to me.
I have had my share of fears.. fearing Brian and I would not get back together after our year apart at the Honor Academy. I have feared for years that I would never be able to fulfill the desire in my heart to be a mother. Sure, there's always adoption, which I also have a burden and a desire in my heart to be a part of.. but I wanted to be able to bring forth LIFE through pregnancy.
As a child, there were many things I claimed I wanted to be when I grew up and it changed more than my mom changed the living room around. (She did that a LOT!)
I also changed my mind about what activities I wanted to be involved in. Thankfully my mom didn't let me try them ALL, and the ones I did try, I couldn't quit. So I was a girl scout until they made me a volunteer instead of a scout, and I was in baton until the new leaders went crazy.
One thing that still has not changed from when I was still in diapers until now, is my desire to be the kind of mom I saw so many of my friend's moms being, and to make sure I was not the kind of mom I saw so many of my friend's being hurt by, and I'm not just talking about physical abuse here. There were some very sad situations I wish I could have done more to help with.
So here I am "all grown up". I'm a wife, and soon I will also be a mother. These are things I have always dreamed about. These are things I've always wanted. They just always seemed so distant. It is incredibly mind-boggling to be living in the present something you've always imagined to be far off in the future. This is my RIGHT NOW. These dreams that I thought were such nice thoughts I also feared would never happen. I feared it so much, I began to believe it. Well Satan, get behind me, because my God is FAITHFUL and fear is not of the Lord, and neither is deceipt. I will continue to munch on my breakfast and allow these tears of joy to cleanse away all the fear and doubt I allowed into my heart for so many years. No more. Now my dreams and the desires of my heart will only be trusted in the hands of the faithful One. My Beloved.. my everything. My Jesus.