**Confessions of a pregnant newlywed..

I've been married for 5 months and have not sent my thank you's. My home is as much of a wreck as my emotions.

I don't cook dinner because I can't stand to look at most meats and potatoes gross me out.

My husband and I are struggling financially.

I am trying to build a business from the ground up instead of getting a 9-5 job.

My relationship with the Lord has been difficult. I stay committed- I would never leave completely, but I have not been spending the time to just BE with Him the way He longs for me to. The way I used to LONG to. It takes much more discipline in this season, but is always worth it.

Life, as of now.. is very very MESSY.

BUT...

The Lord my GOD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in LOVE.

This fact is repeated in at least 10 different places in the Bible.. Must be important that we know this about our God!! (Exodus 34:6, 2 Chronicles 30:9, Nehemiah 9:17, Psalm 86:15, Psalm 103:8, Psalm 111:4, Psalm 112:4, Psalm 145:8, Joel 2:13, Jonah 4:2 are the ones that showed up on biblegateway.com)

If we are made in the likeness of Christ, and if we long to be more like Him, and reflect His character.. this part of His character would be a good place to start!

Anytime I've heard this verse referenced, I've always thought of adapting it to how I treat other people. Which is definitely a part of it, but more recently the Lord has shown me that these are ways I need to treat myself. HE is gracious, compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in LOVE.. the kind of love found in 1 Corinthians 13- you know "love is patient, love is kind.."

If HE is this way toward ME.. if HE is patient with me... what right do I have to be impatient with myself when I don't measure up to my own expectations? None. None whatsoever. Nor do I have the right to be any other way toward my husband, or toward any other human being. No matter what. I have no stone to cast. (John 8:1-11)

New Year, New Font! Mostly because "Trebuchet" sounds so fancy. I imagine Julia Child saying it so gracefully. And no, I'm not going to blog about her or cook my way through her cookbook- though that did make one mostly good movie :)

I'm here to update you on the newest memories.


Our first Christmas as a married couple!

Early in the week, I had a meltdown as I looked at our undecorated Christmas tree and realized that we had plans every night up to Christmas day and were not going to have time to decorate it together and watch Charlie Brown Christmas and drink hot cocoa. I cried. No, I wept. It was mostly ridiculous and unneccessary but at the time was so important and I was so genuinely upset. My wonderful husband reassured me that if anything, we can do all of that Christmas morning. We didn't really have any other plans for the morning, anyway. A couple more sniffles and I was fine again. Gotta love a patient hubby! :)


There were fun family gatherings and a couple with friends as well. And then: Christmas day. I wake up to Brian excitedly waking me up at 6 AM saying, "It's Christmas! Time to get up!!"

Apparently things were done a little differently at his house growing up.

When I was little, my sisters and I would get up in the wee hours of morning and SIT at the top of the stairs. My parents had a sheet that they would hang from the top of the staircase so that we could not see into the living room where the tree and presents were. And we knew that we could not go past that sheet until they told us we could. So we would sit there for hours every year. Once we got a little older, we realized we couldn't go downstairs until later anyway, and started to enjoy the couple extra hours of sleep as my parents did.

So, as Brian is waking me up and trying to convince me that getting up is a good idea, I'm trying to come up with something to get a couple more hours of sleep.

And then, somehow at 6 AM my brain worked and so did my mouth and I said, "I have an idea, honey! Why don't you go watch A Christmas Story, and wake me up when it's over."

And just like that, I went back to dreamland and my anxious husband was joyfully sitting on the couch watching the "classic" I had previously confessed to not liking that much as he informed me that it was the movie he just had to watch at least once every year. I had been trying to figure out a good time for him to watch it when I would be conveniently busy with something else. Success.. and it was only 6 in the morning :)


He must've enjoyed it twice, because I woke up around 10. It's probably the last year I will be able to sleep in on Christmas morning for many, many years with the little one on the way! So I'm glad I did :)

Then, we decorated the tree and watched a Charlie Brown Christmas and drank hot cocoa :) We finished wrapping the gifts, and hurried over to Anji's. (my wonderful Sister-in-law :) It was very strange as Brian's parents had come down with the flu early in the morning and were not able to come. So we waited and had "Christmas" again on Sunday. After Anji's we drove out to my parent's house and stayed for the weekend. It was a really nice, and was little Jakob's first Christmas. It was also a little different on my side, as there were some family members missing as well.
Every year it is difficult to feel like you still have another gift to buy, another plate to set on the table. This was the 5th Christmas without my sister. Along with her unborn baby, she went to be with Jesus in March of 2005, and life has been so different without her. Her husband, his wife Mindy, and my nieces had gone to visit some other family, and were also not able to be there. We did get to celebrate with them at another time, though. :) I miss my sister, dearly, but I know her Christmas must have been incredible as she was with HIM for every moment!


Our 1st Doctor's appointment for the bun in the oven!
We found out that we're actually only about 6 weeks along! We are very excited, and are looking forward to the next appointment on January 19th. We've decided to stay with this doctor, and deliver at the new hospital in the area. Oh, and our due date is probably going to be very close to our 1st Anniversary! I'm hoping it'll be the week before or the week after, though ;)
My posts are most likely going to be less often than they've been in the past, because morning sickness comes to visit, and comes to visit often.
I've been sick almost 24/7 since Thursday. At first it was just for a couple hours in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon.. but the last few days it has been an all day thing :/
Today, however I'm feeling SO much better.. at least so far! Thus why I am here.. updating the blog. I'm still really sore, and I'm not ready to eat pizza yet (though I crave it!) but I'm nowhere near as nauseous as I have been :)



I leave you with this:

our first tree topper :)
It was going to be a star, then a heart, then a cross, but apparently it takes alot of patience to make any of those things with curling ribbon and plastic ornaments. So, we plopped the strung ornaments on top of the tree, tied a piece of garland to it, and VOILA.
..Maybe we'll invest in a better one next year ;)

OH, oh oh I am SO excited to give a real SOLID update on this weekend's "1st Christmas together" adventures and memories.. but for now, an update about my previous post, and about a life-changing meeting I had last week.

The doctor I was afraid to go see, I now have sosoSO much peace about. Last week, I went to meet with my Mary Kay director and dear friend at her home to talk about life and seek out some wisdom, advice, and direction. I've had a very blunt realization that in the economy we live in right now, in order to raise a family with neither of the parents being famous or makin the "big bucks" you need 2 incomes (at least) just to get by. I'm pregnant with our first child, and I do not want to take him or her (or them.. twins runs in the family on BOTH sides, and I am showing a bit early..) to daycare. I do not want someone else being with our child(ren) day in and day out while I'm working all day and come home to them in time to feed them dinner, give them a bath, and send them to bed. I know that this is the REALITY in America, and I am in NO way downplaying the fact of the matter that most families feel as if they have no other choice. They are doing what needs to be done in order to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads. They are taking care of their families in the best way they possibly can. Many are running on 2 incomes and barely scraping by. I understand this, and I do not at all look down on anyone for doing whatever it is they need to do to take care of their families the best way they know how. I'm doing the same thing.
I've been given an opportunity, I believe it is from the Lord, and I'm going to run with it. It gives me the opportunity to make as much as I want- set my own hours. It allows me (and encourages me) to put God before anything else in my life. Then my family, and to have a career that works around our lives, not the other way around. This opportunity allows me to be a stay-at-home mom, and still be able to save up some money to put the kids through college. This is an opportunity I am NOT willing to give up on. I may have piddle paddled around with it before, I may have fallen down in disbelief or felt like giving up or been too afraid of failure to keep going, but I am NOT going to let fear of man stand in the way of the plans the Lord has- not only for myself, but for our family; and not only for our family, but for all the families we'll be able to reach out to when they are struggling as we have struggled.
This, my friends, is an opportunity I cannot, and will not pass up. I'm going to give it my all until I'm all run out, and then I'm going to get up and do it again.
Please hold me accountable to this.
If you want more information on this opportunity, send me your contact information. I enjoy running buddies :)

Anywho! About my visit with Marla.. my lovely director! I was telling her about this doctor's visit and how I was nervous because I hadn't met the doctor and didn't have any reviews or anything on him. She then tells me that her housekeeper works in an OB office and told me that I should ask her about him, and find out if she maybe knows him. So when she came downstairs, we were introduced. I told her of my concerns and she asked me what the doctor's name was. I told her. Her face literally LIT up! She said, "Yeah, I know him! I work in the same office." She continued to tell me as she tilted her head down a bit and lowered her voice still smiling, "I gotta warn you, He's a little nerdy... and slightly on the awkward side." After hearing my giggle, with a little nervousness still evident in my voice, she then told me that she has been working with him for a long time now, and has really grown to "respect the man" as she put it. Then, like music to my ears she said, "Let me put it this way: I would send my daughter to him because I truly trust him."

Talk about a DIVINE appointment! I feel sooo much better!
Marla let me know that if that was the only thing I got out of my time there, then it was time well spent. She was so right as I now had so much peace about this appointment. I also found out that he delivers at the hospital where one of my very good friends is interning/working.

As our meeting continued, I was greatly inspired, and took in some very much needed constructive criticism as well as encouragement. I love that she is willing to tell it to me like it is in order to help me succeed. I REALLY truly needed it especially that day. I am forever thankful for her persistance with me. It makes the world of difference for this business I am determined to grow right alongside my growing baby-belly.

I'm stoked for the fact that with this business, my maternity leave never has to end. I can stay home with our kids. If they're sick, I'll be there. If they say their first words at 1 in the afternoon, I'll be there. I'll be at every game, competition, concert, show, and anything else they choose to be a part of. I'll be there, because of this opportunity. I am forever thankful for the memories I'll be able to post on this blog because of the opportunity I've been given to stay home and raise our children.

What a wonderful Christmas gift this year, to know that the unknown isn't as scary as I thought.
Peace has come over me. The Prince of Peace has captured my heart yet again.

I am forever grateful.

Readers! I have a D I L E M M A!!! (it's a feminine topic, so use your discretion if you really want to continue reading this post. Men, you can't say I didn't warn you!)

Ok. I have had no prenatal care, and we're calculating to be around 15 weeks along! The OBGYN of choice could not see me until February, and I have been put on a "list" today in case someone actually cancels their appointment, which doesn't happen because the next available appointment at this point probably isn't until summertime!
SO, I gave in and called a different doctor. Actually I called every doctor in the area for an appointment by the end of the year.
Only one could "squeeze" me in on the 29th, and..

He's a man. :/ I had a friend refer me to him awhile back, actually.. but I said no way, Jose because I wasn't comfortable with any man other than my husband touching anything. I know that it is strictly medical, and that there should be a female nurse in the room for accountability, and my husband will be there as well, so it's not like there's room for any scary business. BUT STILL I'm already nervous, and this doesn't seem to help.
I do NOT want to risk the health of my baby and wait any longer, but I'm sooo nervous :(

Any thoughts? What would you do?
Please, please PLEASE no Horror stories! I'm already freaking out :(

One more thought for the day :)

I've heard about marriage that the "honeymoon" stage will inevitably sizzle out.. but maybe it just takes more work to keep it going, and most people aren't willing to put forth the effort it takes to keep that kind of love around.

A relationship with the Lord is the SAME!
It's not always going to automatically "feel" like a whirlwind of getting lost in His presence! It takes work to keep that kind of sizzling hot relationship up in both our earthly marriages and with our Heavenly Bridegroom, but it is SO worth it!

Psalm 119 overflow and dinner updates

I know I promised you all that I would update about how the roast went.. And I will. But first, I need to OVERFLOW!!!

Last night, Psalm 119 broke me to pieces!! It is not the longest book in the Bible on accident! And if I've learned anything about things being repeated over and over again in the WORD, it's that the MORE it is repeated, the more it needs to be UNDERSTOOD! It was phrased in every way possible in this lengthy Psalm that:
-We need the fear of the Lord in our lives AND
-The WORD is to be a *delight* and something we LOVE with everything we have.

Love for the Lord our GOD as He is- royal and HOLY should result in also a "fear" or RESPECT of His divine authority over ALL! Because when you love someone sincerely and authentically, they HAVE your respect and you honor them with your respect and your love for them. How much more then should we HONOR and RESPECT and LOVE the HOLY GOD of Israel than we do each other! Does it not come SO naturally in our relationships with each other- at least those we truly love? Why then do we not also apply these things to our relationship with the LORD?

If we believe He is Holy, and we have chosen to love, honor, cherish, and respect His authority not only over all- but also over all in our lives, should we not ALSO have a love for the wonderful Words He has clearly given us?! If this book we claim to live our lives according to is what we believe to be the authoritative Word of God himself, why do we treat it so flamboyantly? I, for one, was extremely convicted yesterday as I realized that I did not even know where my Bible WAS. Granted, I had been reading from Brian's.. but honestly! I have not been faithful with getting lost in the Word! I have not been faithful with my relationship with the Lord. I have not been running in the opposite direction, I have not been rebelling. But I also have not been faithful with the commitment I've made to Him.
My commitment to Him says that He is my everything. He is my lover, my best friend, my companion, my redeemer, my Saviour.. among other things. My commitment to Him is a daily one, and an eternal one.

Time for a relatable comparison!
Suppose one day Brian (my husband) told me before heading off to work that he really wanted to sit down with me and talk to me about something he's really excited about, or that he wanted to spend some quality time with me.
While he's at work we text little things here and there, and he continues to remind me of how much he's looking forward to spending time together when he gets home. However, when he gets home, I'm busy cooking dinner, and while we eat together, no words are spoken. Then I rush off to finish the dishes. As he sits on the couch and waits for me, I take the laptop and begin typing away on my blog, or going on facebook, or checking my email, chatting with girlfriends, looking up the fun little facts about this week's pregnancy update, etc. I can feel him looking at me, and wanting to be with me, but I will soon. He's not going anywhere. I make a cup of tea, and put on some Christmas music as I make a list of things to accomplish the next day. Right after, I check to see if anyone has commented on my post and with a big yawn realize how late it has gotten. I feel him standing in the bathroom with me as I brush my teeth and wash my face, wondering if I'll be awake enough to spend time with him as I promised. But I climb into bed, ask for forgiveness as I realize I've neglected him and am now too tired to give him the attention I know he deserves, and fall asleep.

We would never dream of doing something like this to our husbands/wives..
yet we do this to our Holy Bridegroom.

Psalm 119 is the longest chapter for good reason. Without a true respect and honor and fear of the Lord, and without the WORD, we cannot withstand this world and all it dishes out. This world is a fallen one, and so bad things happen. The Lord promises to help us through those times, and He promises that although things may not go perfectly in this world, He has provided a way to the Perfect one's Kingdom, and has been preparing a place specifically for us, if we'd only accept.

When we have a reverent fear of the Lord, a respect and honor for His name, it takes away SO much of our worries! As humans, we LOVE to worry and to wonder and to want to understand and it's exhausting! Without a proper fear of the Lord, we worry much more about the things that will pass away, but what about the things of LASTING value? What about our relationship with Jesus Christ?
We may still wonder how things will go, if we'll see a miracle in a certain loved one's illness or if we'll ever finish that big goal we've set, if our baby will be healthy, if we'll have enough money after that unexpected medical bill or car repair.. we worry about so many things! We may still WONDER how these things will turn out, but one thing we CAN trust and that we CAN lean upon is our Lord our God and the unchanging Word, love, and faithfulness He's given! To try and stand on our worries is sinking sand, but to stand on the Word is ROCK. These things are true and we can find so much peace if we would only open our hearts and minds as we trudge through learning His Word, maybe even for the first time and ask Him to reveal His ways to us.

From Luke 11:
⁹"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

¹¹"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for^f]">[f] a fish, will give him a snake instead? ¹²Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

Maybe you've heard this passage before. If you were to literally translate this, verse 9 would actually read, "KEEP ON asking and it will be given to you; KEEP ON seeking and you will find; KEEP ON knocking and the door will be opened to you."

Let Him know how much you want whatever it is you're asking for. If it were a father in the flesh, you would make your point very clear as to what you are asking of him; let it be no different for your Heavenly Father! Keep asking. Keep seeking. Keep knocking. He'll answer.

What have you promised Him? What is your commitment to Him?
If it's time to renew your vows, do so with humbleness and with fear of the Lord- with a reverence and respect for who He is and who He wants to be for you. Remember that He has been faithful to you regardless of where you may have run to. He was right on your back just waiting for you to turn around and look him in the face; to turn around so He could wrap His arms around you and give you the forgiveness and mercy and grace He's been longing to give. All we need to do is ASK, be respectful, and be humble enough to receive.




As promised:
The roast was amazing, though it was a little small, I think we had just enough. I guess it's a good thing Anji doesn't eat pork, because I really do not think we would have had enough food! She did not go hungry though :) I made her chicken tenders.
Also, the homemade applesauce was YUMMY and gone.

Last night, I made garlic bread and this homemade Beef&Bacon Potato soup.. I LOVED it, but ended up making yet more chicken tenders for Brian as he was not as fond of it as I! It didn't bother me one bit, though.. more soup for me! It was also gone.. apparently the baby liked it too! :o)

Tonight, I attempt my very first baked pork roast for my lovely inlaws. Half way through thawing I remembered my dear vegan sister-in-law. She agreed to grab something to eat on her way over, but I still feel bad for forgetting, so I'm also making one of her favourites and another first for me: Homemade applesauce!
I'll post tomorrow on how everything goes!
I'm really excited! Here it is in the oven :)